Award shows are so amazingly pretentious and a complete waste of time to me. I really don’t care about everything that’s going on in Hollywood and I very much don’t care about what’s going on with the red carpet. But the dumbest thing of all is allowing people to tell us what the best piece of “art” is, or rank them in order. It’s actually so dumb that I’m going to do it later in the blog.
Since when have you had drinks with your buddies and you all like the same band and you come up with the top 3 song list. There have been ZERO times they’ve matched. Ever. So we put a group of self righteous people wearing red robes and royal crowns (that’s how I picture them) to make those choices for the rest of us hard working (kind of) people?
Case and point: watch Gravity with George Clooney and the chick from Miss Congeniality. Who the hell paid who to get them a nomination, or even a win for that movie. That movie is so incredibly bad and boring that I shut it off 45 minutes in. The movie Moonlight? Actually a pretty deep movie, good movie. Not a “top tier” flick in my book. Or should be in anyone’s book.
So I’m going to make up for the past twenty years of garbage “judging” of movies. There’s one damn judge you need. That’s Uncle Eric.
BEST PICTURE: Dumb & Dumber
It’s got everything. A literal stupid character (it says it right in the damn title) who falls in love and does everything in his power to get to her. He has to deal with trouble with people trying to rob and kill him, contributes a bird to a young blind man, borrows some money and lifts his life to another level (he paid it back), has his best friend betray him in the worst way and STILL has the marbles to stand in front of his love and confess his love to her in a one in a million shot. What the hell else do you want in a film?
BEST DOCUMENTARY: Icarus
This is the best piece of content that’s ever existed. You think I’m kidding. If this were to be a movie, it would be too much. The fact that this dude started a documentary about testing himself on dope for a bike race and found himself tied to a scientist that was being headhunted by Putin makes it the best movie ever.
BEST ACTOR: Jim Carey for his role in “Ace Ventura”
What are we talking about when we’re talking good acting? To me a great actor has the same attributes as a good shortstop: range. They can cover a lot of ground. How many times do we have to see Meryl Streep play a character that is more or less in line with her own damn personality? To be honest, I have no idea because I don’t watch her shit. But I’ve seen clips. That and she went out of her way to thank Harvey Weinsten on multiple occasions…
Enter Jim Carey in Ace Ventura. How difficult is it to take your audience on a ride and make them believe in a Pet Detective? Not rhetorical. Go ahead and answer that: extremely hard. You just mouthed it.
Dude is all over the map with energy. Getting bitten by sharks in the tank, bringing you on a comedic journey, falling in love with a prime time (insert that brunettes name from Friends)? If you disagree with me, it’s likely it’s been some time before you’ve seen the movie or you haven’t seen it at all.
BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY, SOUND, ETC: No one
Why even do this? Have a separate event called “Oscars for nerds.” No one cares about these.
BEST DIRECTOR: Void
This should technically go to the best picture’s director, no? They don’t pick the MVP of the Super Bowl from teams that lost in the divisional do they? Oh they do at the Oscars.
So if you’re going to argue that directing is a different thing and it isn’t tied to best picture, that’s fine. Now we’re in “coach of the year” type land. A dude who didn’t have the best at his disposal and made the playoffs with that team. So we basically should be talking about porn directors, right? Have you seen the acting in some of these? These fact they can sell it at all shows their real brilliance.
And that’s basically it. You don’t really need anything else. Until next year, we’re back to sports. Tip your bartenders, I’ll be here all week.